bully

bul·ly1

ˈbo͝olē/
verb
gerund or present participle: bullying
  1. use superior strength or influence to intimidate (someone), typically to force him or her to do what one wants.
    “a local man was bullied into helping them”
    synonyms: persecute, oppress, tyrannize, browbeat, harass, torment, intimidate,strong-arm, dominate;

    {image by google}

    What Is Bullying?

Defining bullying is important because we have become desensitized by violence and bullying disguised as humor in media and news outlets. Some believe that bullying is a rite of passage, a normal developmental stage – both of which are untrue. Bullying in the workplace is sometimes hard to see because bullies of higher rank might just be seen as mean managers or bosses. But bullying is bullying, whether one is 11 or 43, male or female, dominant or subordinate, and should not be tolerated.

Bullying can be defined as an unwanted, aggressive behavior that involves a real or perceived imbalance of power¹. Others define it as a purposeful attempt to control another person² through unwanted verbal or physical abuse. It can be actions that occur repeatedly or just once¹·², and can occur in almost any setting including home, school and work. Bullying can include but is not limited to one or any combination of the following:

  • making threats
  • physical or verbal intimidation
  • exclusion
  • physical (hitting, punching, pushing or any unwanted touch) or verbal (criticizing, teasing, name-calling, mocking, insulting, demeaning) attacks
  • spreading lies or rumors
  • cyber bullying (unwanted sharing of pictures, posing as someone on social media, spreading rumors or lies, harassment)

The two common aspects included in most definitions of bullying are:

  • imbalance of power
  • intent to cause harm

and to a lesser extent

  • repetition

 

A bully can be:

  • a classmate
  • a workmate (a colleague, manager or boss)
  • a parent or sibling
  • a neighbor or stranger

 

A bully might demonstrate the following behaviors³:

  • aggression, nastiness, spitefulness and combativeness
  • impulsiveness, quick to anger
  • controlling and manipulative
  • defiance and pushiness
  • unfeeling towards victims

 

Why Do Bullies Bully?

There are several different reasons why a bully bullies, but usually when someone bullies, he or she is seeking power {and domination}, or the demonstration of power. Many times a bully was either bullied himself, or has experienced failure in some other area of his or her life. Sometimes, people who have power want to show others that they have it, or they don’t possess leadership skills to use with their power {watch for our subsequent article, “The Difference Between Leaders and Bullies”}. And some bullies do so to keep from becoming bullied themselves. This type of bully is known as a Secondary Bully².

Regardless of why a bully bullies, the damaging and destructive results of his behaviors are the same.

 

Stand up to bullying

{image courtesy: jssnpcc cssp}

 

Please join Pearls for Girls for this summer mini series, No Bullies Here. In our next post we will describe the difference between a leader and a bully. You can read previous posts on bullying from our Thrive series by clicking on the links:

No Bullies Here 

 What’s Really Going On With Our Girls

Girls Don’t Bully… Do They?

Cyberbullying

Cliques

Dear Parents

Bullying and The Witness

It Gets Better

You can also read other posts on bullying, which gave rise to Pearls For Girls, on Finding Serendipity.

Self Esteem and Bullying

Alye

Self-Esteem and The Bullied

Self-Esteem and The Bully

Self-Esteem and The Witness

How Girls Bully and Suggestions to Stop It

 

 

1. www.stopbullying.gov
2. www.bullyingstatistics.org
3. www.pbs.org

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No Bullies Here Summer Mini-Series

goteamgirls

I was recently sitting with a small group of girls. When another girl came over and tried to join in, there was some taunting and general expression of discontent about her joining us. The little girl sat down, and after a few moments, I noticed her sitting hunched over, turning into herself, tears rolling her cheeks.

I thought {only for a moment} ::

This isn’t my place – it’s not my right to say anything about this.

My second thought was

If I don’t, who will?

And

Can I really let this opportunity to have an impact on a whole group of girls pass?

No. I absolutely cannot. 

It’s been said that it takes a village and I’m here to tell you that it really does. I told the girls that I needed to interrupt. I told them that what I had to say had nothing to do with what they were doing there, but it needed to be said. Plus, I told them, this issue is really big with me.

I told them they will have enough meanness in their lifetimes from outside sources, from other people, from their workplaces and unfortunately at school, that they do not have to be mean to each other. They need to look out for each other. They need to support each other. Even if they don’t know someone new to their group, or for whatever reason, don’t feel drawn to be friends with them, they don’t need to be unwelcoming, and they certainly don’t need to make negative comments to or about them. I told them to be kind, to be welcoming, or at the very least, just be quiet. I told them they are on Team Girls. To support each other just because they are girls. And although I really hope not, someday, they might need some girls to be supportive of them.

Go, Team Girls.

***

no bullies here

We’ve talked about bullying here before, and you can find a plethora of information on the internet. This is an injustice that just about every single person has experienced or witnessed, so it really can’t be addressed enough. Over the next couple of weeks, we will be hosting a summer mini-series to continue our discussion from October 2013 called,

No Bullies Here.

The following posts will be added to the series:

  • What Is Bullying and Why Bullies Do It
  • The Difference Between a Bully and a Leader
  • How To Parent A Bully
  • When A Bully Grows Up :: Adult Bullies
  • How To Stand Up To An Adult Bully

We hope you will join us and become a part of the solution.

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What To Do, What To Do

onlydowhatyourhearttellsyou

 

It’s that time of year that we have some decisions to make… how to spend our summer, what jobs we hope to work, what colleges to choose, {what majors to declare}… Even for those lucky enough, we need to decide how do we spend our leisure time.

We’ll have some ideas and suggestions here at Pearls for Girls over the next couple of weeks, but for now, we’d like you to sit with this thought.

Do Only What Your Heart Tells You

Princess Diana had it right… She knew that the world needs people who are passionate in what they do, whatEVER that might be… Because when you are passionate about what you do, you tend to do it really, really well.

So think about it.  Share with us in the comments or on Facebook what you decide, in case there are some of us out there who are indecisive. You might inspire someone.

And as for us?  So far?   :)

This summer, we will work side-by-side with a new intern, a graduate student in Public Health who is completing her practicum with us, as she tackles pediatric obesity in the underserved. We will also be conducting a Leadership Workshop and repeating our Confidence Workshops. And lastly, we will be planning a 5K run for the fall… If you live locally, we hope you will join us.

Enjoy your last days of school, bast in the joy of your accomplishments and know that we are proud of you.

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Ban Bossy … Or Not?

 

I’m always amazed at divisive opinions, especially when they drive people from the point. I also think it’s really important, if you are going to be knowledgable on a topic, to read both sides of the story so you can make well-informed decisions for yourself.

I almost didn’t post this video because of the controversies around this campaign. {Just my opinion, but I really wonder sometimes if we – people in general – just have a need to be contrary?}

Yes. Banning the word “bossy” is a little over-the-top, if you are taking it to mean never ever use the word “bossy”. I say, especially if someone is trying to dominate you, go ahead and have at it. Call.Them.Bossy. But when our girls are called names when they act like leaders or assume a leadership role, don’t call them bossy. And don’t let others. Ban the word Bossy then.

And this IS the point. When our girls act as leaders, they are often called Bossy. Aggressive. Pushy. and those words have an affect. They limit our girls, close them down, cause them to withdraw. So we DO need to be cautious and conscientious with words we use around our young girls. Whatever side of this controversy you land on, you must agree with that.

My suggestion is to take from this campaign things that you find useful, and discard the things you don’t agree with. There are valuable tips, lessons, and encouragement to be found at Ban Bossy and I encourage you to explore this site and also, read a few well-thought out articles written by those who oppose.

In the meantime, here’s my first tip in leadership training for girls, taken straight from the Ban Bossy website:

thewayyoutalk

 What we say to our girls, and what and how we speak to others, sends messages to them on how they should behave, how they should speak, and even whether they should speak. More on this next post… I hope you will join in the conversation by leaving your opinions below!

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T H R I V E , Day {25} :: One More Thing…

Welcome to T H R I V E , a 31 Days series on empowering your daughter to thrive through her teen years.

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31 days thrive

This is Day 18 of our 31 Days series  T h r i v e . You can find earlier posts here:

Day 1 ::  T H R I V E
Day 2 ::  Changes:: Her Body
Day 3 ::  Social Stresses
Day 4 ::  Coping With Peer Pressure
Day 5 :: Benefit of the Doubt 
Day 6 :: And Then, This Is What He Said
Day 7 :: Self Assessment
Day 8 :: Breaking Bad
Day 9 :: Social Media Manners
Day 10 :: A Few Secrets to Make Her Late to Date
Day 11 :: Setting Meaningful Goals
Day 12 :: A Hundred Little Ways
Day 13 :: What About Boys?
Day 14 :: Helping Her Choose the Right College
Day 15 :: Be Ye Kind
Day 16 :: No Bullies Here
Day 17 :: What’s Really Going On With Our Girls?
Day 18 :: Girls Don’t Bully… Do They?
Day 19 :: Cyberbullying

PS:: Be sure to visit our Pinterest boards, and follow us there. We’ve been cultivating them to be another source of information and inspiration for you! For articles on bullying and bullying awareness, click on and follow our board, No Bullies Here.  For ideas on Activities to Try and Things to Do, click on the links and follow our boards.

 

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T H R I V E , Day {23} :: It Gets Better

Welcome to T H R I V E , a 31 Days series on empowering your daughter to thrive through her teen years. 

no bullies here

*

The following video was released in October 2011 as part of a White House campaign against bullying, following the suicides of two LGBT teens here in the United States. It is addressed to the LGBT community, but speaks to anybody who is being bullied. Please review it and if deemed appropriate, share it with a child you think might be a victim of bullying. Regardless of politics, this video sends a message of acceptance and hope.

Anyone can be bullied. And it’s likely that we all have been bullied at least once in our lifetime. It’s utterly damaging to self-esteem, with long-lasting and sometimes permanent effects. It’s hurtful at the least, and dangerous. It pushes the bullied to act destructively, either inwardly toward herself (as is most likely with girls) or outwardly and violently toward others.

If you know a girl you suspect is being bullied:

Teach her to speak up. Tell an adult.
Speak to her. Listen to her.
Don’t approach the bully yourself.
{Ohwouldn’tweliketo.}
Empower her with options.
Talk to her teachers. The administration.
The coach. The bus driver.
Until someone listens.
Donate books on bullying to your school.
Or classroom.
Volunteer in school.
“Talk, Walk and Tell” (Tell the bully to stop. Walk away. Tell a teacher.)

Encourage her to be brave.

Remind her to keep the faith.

Let her know she is beautiful.

And loved.

Just.the.way.she.is.right.now.

Encourage her to participate in sports.
Or music.
Or the arts.
{Encourage her to find her passion.}

Teach her how to be safe online, and in school.

Show her how to serve others.

Remind her to be true to herself.
That she is valuable.
Worthy.
Deserving.

WHAT PARENTS CAN DO*

  • Start a discussion with your child, but don’t push too hard. ”Parents should not tell their children what to do as a bystander. Instead, they should listen to their children and ask them what they would do in certain situations — sort of wondering out loud, to spark a conversation,” says Rigby.
  • Be a good role model of cooperation and collaboration. ”It’s likely that a child, if she has a good relationship with her parent, will do the same,” says Rigby
  • Encourage your child to tell adults if she sees bullying. She could tell an adult, “You should keep an eye on the hallway in the B wing at lunch, but please don’t say that I’m the one who told you about it.”
  • Set a good example in your use of language. Don’t use put-downs or language that insults someone based on sexual orientation, race or gender. For example, teach young people that they should not say something is “so gay.”
  • Link your discussions about bullying to your religious faith, if you have one, or other moral teachings your child is familiar with. ”Look at stories like the Good Samaritan in the Bible,” says Rigby.

*~Marian Wilde, GreatSchools.org

 

 

HOW TO MAKE SURE YOUR CHILD DOES NOT BECOME THE BULLY*

  • Encourage Empathy and Patience
  • Teach Tolerance
  • Be a Good Role Model of patience and understanding when discussing or dealing with different types of people.
  • Discourage Retaliation
  • Ask Others if you suspect that your child may be bullying. Ask teachers and school staff or others who are around your child. Also ask you child and her friends if they know anyone who is left out or excluded and ask them to befriend this person.
  • Talk To Your Child and let her know that bullying will not be tolerated. Be involved in her life. Ask about her day and get to know her friends.

*National PTA

 

“Bullying is a serious problem in schools, but we are all accountable for the cruelty crisis that is fueling these behaviors.
The answer to the bullying problem starts with this question:

Do we have the courage to be the adults that our children need us to be?”

Brené Brown.

*****

This concludes our discussion on bullying.
For now. 😉
If you have suggestions of resources for us, ideas or current anti-bullying programs you want to share, please do so in the comments below.

 

Resources:

StopBullying.gov
GirlsHealth.gov
Kansas Safe Schools Resource Center
GreatSchools.org
EduGuide.org
Bullying.org
About.com

TheBullyProject.com

FindingSerendipity.com

Queen Bees and Wannabes, Rosalind Wiseman

Bringing Up Girls, Dr. James Dobson

 

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31 days thrive

This is Day 18 of our 31 Days series  T h r i v e . You can find earlier posts here:

Day 1 ::  T H R I V E
Day 2 ::  Changes:: Her Body
Day 3 ::  Social Stresses
Day 4 ::  Coping With Peer Pressure
Day 5 :: Benefit of the Doubt 
Day 6 :: And Then, This Is What He Said
Day 7 :: Self Assessment
Day 8 :: Breaking Bad
Day 9 :: Social Media Manners
Day 10 :: A Few Secrets to Make Her Late to Date
Day 11 :: Setting Meaningful Goals
Day 12 :: A Hundred Little Ways
Day 13 :: What About Boys?
Day 14 :: Helping Her Choose the Right College
Day 15 :: Be Ye Kind
Day 16 :: No Bullies Here
Day 17 :: What’s Really Going On With Our Girls?
Day 18 :: Girls Don’t Bully… Do They?
Day 19 :: Cyberbullying

PS:: Be sure to visit our Pinterest boards, and follow us there. We’ve been cultivating them to be another source of information and inspiration for you! For articles on bullying and bullying awareness, click on and follow our board, No Bullies Here.  For ideas on Activities to Try and Things to Do, click on the links and follow our boards.

 

 

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bullying and the witness

“If we don’t involve bystanders, we can’t solve the problem. The most dangerous place in a school is the restroom because of isolation. Well, you also can have isolation in the middle of a cafeteria if a bully convinces everybody else not to intervene. If we can show bystanders how to become involved as bystanders, we reduce isolation (Caldwell, Autumn/Winter 1997).”

– Richard Hazler, professor of counselor education, Ohio University

The Witness.
Or the Bystander.

She also feels fear. And guilt and discomfort and helplessness. She may feel unsafe and out of control. She may be afraid to stand up for the bullied, that she herself will become a victim. Or she may fear embarrassment (for saying or doing the wrong thing), or  she may fear rejection (from her peers, for the social stigma of associating with the “wrong” person). She may succumb to the pressures and become a bully herself {it’s safer on the side of the bully}. She is more likely to use drugs, alcohol and tobacco. She is also more likely to miss school. She may experience mood swings, especially depression, headaches, stomach pains, loss of sleep and other physical symptoms associated with stress. So, the Witness can also be a victim. In fact, research demonstrates that bystanders who repeatedly witness bullying may suffer psychological and physiological stress symptoms that are no different than those felt by victims of bullying.

But.

The Witness has power she may not realize. By witnessing and not doing anything, she passively grants permission to the bully to continue their behavior. There are several other, better choices for her, and which she chooses to use should be up to her. She can tell an adult. She can say to the victim, “C’mon. Let’s go.” She can tell the bully to stop, but this would require her to be brave and confident, and to be a true leader. Most children will do nothing, even though most feel bullying is wrong and unfair, and even though most want to intervene.

It is up to us to empower our daughters (children) by leading them to discover their options, showing them what they can do, when witnessing bullying. I showed each of my children this video the other night. I showed it to each child alone, so that each could think independently, and it was an interesting experience to say the least. My daughter got teary-eyed. My middle (my defender) said in disgust, That’s horrible, and my oldest clicked on the video to find the name so he could share it with his friends. As suggested below, I stopped the video several times and asked, What would you do? How would you feel? I hope this empowered them to be who they truly are; to feel what they really feel and think about what they would do, not what I want them to do. And I hope by asking questions instead of telling them, I am helping them develop empathy and learn critical thinking and problem-solving skills.

What Parents Can Do*

  • Start a discussion with your child, but don’t push too hard. “Parents should not tell their children what to do as a bystander. Instead, they should listen to their children and ask them what they would do in certain situations — sort of wondering out loud, to spark a conversation,” says Rigby.
  • Be a good role model of cooperation and collaboration. “It’s likely that a child, if she has a good relationship with her parent, will do the same,” says Rigby
  • Encourage your child to tell adults if she sees bullying. She could tell an adult, “You should keep an eye on the hallway in the B wing at lunch, but please don’t say that I’m the one who told you about it.”
  • Set a good example in your use of language. Don’t use put-downs or language that insults someone based on sexual orientation, race or gender. For example, teach young people that they should not say something is “so gay.”
  • Link your discussions about bullying to your religious faith, if you have one, or other moral teachings your child is familiar with. “Look at stories like the Good Samaritan in the Bible,” says Rigby.

*~Marian Wilde, GreatSchools.org

And because visuals are so powerful:

Talk with your daughters. Empower them. Grow them up to be brave and confident. Teach them to be leaders.

Equip them to deal with bullies.

*This post was originally published Oct 29th, 2011 at www.findingserendipity.com. Visit Finding Serendipity for more posts on Bullying and  Nurturing Her Self-Esteem in October of 2011.

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T H R I V E , Day {20} :: Cliques

Welcome to T H R I V E , a 31 Days series on empowering your daughter to thrive through her teen years. 

no bullies here

 {Guest post by parent Mary Ann Toffoletto}

What is a clique? A clique is a group of friends who all dress and act a certain way. Cliques are also exclusive (that means that not everyone who would like to join a clique can join). Girls in a clique focus on their status and popularity. Girls in a clique do everything together: they eat at the same lunch table and go to the mall together. Girls in a clique seem to “rule the school.”

It’s okay to have a regular group of friends. This is different from a clique. A healthy group of friends will allow you to act like yourself. Do you play soccer instead of lacrosse, even though lacrosse players are “cooler” at your school? Do you hate wearing pink even though it’s all the rage? A healthy group of friends will be ok with that and will accept you for you.

What is “group-think?” Girls in a clique are often mean, and sometime bully others. This is because these girls feel stronger surrounded by others who are doing the same thing as them. While everyone likes to feel that they “fit in,” girls in a clique leave their own ideas and opinions behind and adopt “group-think.” Girls in a clique do not have enough good self-esteem to stand behind their own ideas. They try to make themselves feel better by pushing other people down.

Why do cliques bully? For most girls in a clique, bullying is a way to feel better about themselves, feel important, and control other people. Some girls also think they will be popular if they make fun of others and spread gossip. What they don’t know is that bullying is not cool!

Girls in a clique bully:

  • To get attention
  • To get what they want
  • To gain respect
  • To become more popular
  • To feel better about themselves
  • To punish people they are jealous of
  • Because they think it’s fun to hurt others’ feelings
  • Because others are doing it*This information is a composite from several websites:

http://www.dosomething.org/tipsandtools/11-facts-about-school-bullying

http://www.makebeatsnotbeatdowns.org/facts_new.html

http://www.crisistextline.org/11-more-facts-about-bullying/

http://www.girlshealth.gov/bullying/

http://www.ncpc.org/topics/bullying

http://teenadvice.about.com/od/violencebullying/a/girlbullies.htm

http://www.eduguide.org/article/girls-who-bully-what-when-where-why-and-how https://mrsschlangensscience.wikispaces.com/Statistics,+facts+and+development+of+female+bullying

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31 days thrive

This is Day 18 of our 31 Days series  T h r i v e . You can find earlier posts here:

Day 1 ::  T H R I V E
Day 2 ::  Changes:: Her Body
Day 3 ::  Social Stresses
Day 4 ::  Coping With Peer Pressure
Day 5 :: Benefit of the Doubt 
Day 6 :: And Then, This Is What He Said
Day 7 :: Self Assessment
Day 8 :: Breaking Bad
Day 9 :: Social Media Manners
Day 10 :: A Few Secrets to Make Her Late to Date
Day 11 :: Setting Meaningful Goals
Day 12 :: A Hundred Little Ways
Day 13 :: What About Boys?
Day 14 :: Helping Her Choose the Right College
Day 15 :: Be Ye Kind
Day 16 :: No Bullies Here
Day 17 :: What’s Really Going On With Our Girls?
Day 18 :: Girls Don’t Bully… Do They?
Day 19 :: Cyberbullying

PS:: Be sure to visit our Pinterest boards, and follow us there. We’ve been cultivating them to be another source of information and inspiration for you! For articles on bullying and bullying awareness, click on and follow our board, No Bullies Here.  For ideas on Activities to Try and Things to Do, click on the links and follow our boards.

 

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T H R I V E , Day {19} :: Cyberbullying

Welcome to T H R I V E , a 31 Days series on empowering your daughter to thrive through her teen years. 

no bullies here

{Guest post by parent Mary Ann Toffoletto}

Cyberbullying is hurting someone else repeatedly through the Internet or a cell phone. So, instead of whispering a rumor to a friend, a bully might email the rumor or post it on Facebook for everyone to see! Or, a bully might use technology to ignore you. (An example of this would be a friend suddenly ignoring your emails or IMs.)

Cyberbullying happens most often through:

  • Web sites (including social networking sites such as MySpace, Facebook, or Twitter)
  • Blogs
  • Instant messages (IMs)
  • E-mail
  • Chat rooms
  • Text messaging/texting
  • Cell phone photo messages
  • Virtual worldsMany teens today, especially girls, use technology to bully others. Teens may be more likely to cyberbully because they feel protected by the Internet. It’s much easier to type mean words to someone than to say them in person, but that doesn’t make them any less hurtful.Both boys and girls bully online and just as in face-to-face bullying, they do so in different ways. Boys more commonly bully by sending messages of a sexual nature or by threatening to fight or hurt someone.  Girls more often bully by spreading rumors and by sending messages that make fun of someone or exclude others. They also tell secrets. (NCPC)“Sexting” and cyberbullying is when teens send naked or partly naked photos to one another over the Internet or cell phone. This often starts as a joke, but then gets out of control as the photos are forwarded to others. Most of the time, the naked pictures end up in the wrong person’s hands. Charges of child pornography and sexual exploitation of a minor have been brought against kids who forwarded these pictures. Before you send any photos of yourself or another person over the Internet or through your cell phone, stop and think: Would you want your parents to see the photos? Do you want to be charged with child pornography and sexual exploitation of a minor?The Effects of Cyberbullying: Victims of cyberbullying may experience many of the same effects as children who are bullied in person, such as a drop in grades, low self-esteem, a change in interests, or depression. However cyberbullying can seem more extreme to its victims because of several factors:

page1image21912

  • It occurs in the child’s home. Being bullied at home can take away the place children feel most safe.
  • It can be harsher. Often kids say things online that they wouldn’t say in person, mainly because they can’t see the other person’s reaction.
  • It can be far reaching. Kids can send emails making fun of someone to their entire class or school with a few clicks, or post them on a website for the whole world to see.
  • It can be anonymous. Cyberbullies often hide behind screen names and email addresses that don’t identify who they are. Not knowing who is responsible for bullying messages can add to a victim’s insecurity.
  • It may seem inescapable. It may seem easy to get away from a cyberbully by just getting offline, but for some kids not going online takes away one of the major places they socialize.

Cyberbullying can be a complicated issue, especially for adults who are not as familiar with using the Internet, instant messenger, or chat rooms as kids. But like more typical forms of bullying, it can be prevented when kids know how to protect themselves and parents are available to help.

How can you protect yourself from cyberbullying?

  • Don’t give out personal information online, whether in instant message profiles, chat rooms, blogs, or on web sites.
  • Don’t tell anyone your email or instant messaging passwords, even your friends.
  • If someone sends a mean or threatening message, don’t respond. Save it and show it to a trustedadult.
  • If someone is sending mean messages to you through IM or texts, just log off or shut off yourphone. You can also ‘block’ certain people from sending you messages on some web sites. You can’t be bullied if the bully can’t access you!What Parents Can Do:
  • Keep your home computer in a busy area of your house.
  • Set up email and chat accounts with your children. Make sure that you know their screen namesand passwords and that they don’t include any personal information in their online profiles.
  • Regularly go over their instant messenger “buddy list” with them. Ask who each person is and howyour children know him or her.
  • Print this list of commonly used acronyms in instant messenger and chat rooms from the NationalCenter for Missing and Exploited Children and post it by your computer.
  • Discuss cyberbullying with your children and ask if they have ever experienced it or seen it happento someone.
  • Tell your children that you won’t blame them if they are cyberbullied. Emphasize that you won’ttake away their computer privileges – this is the main reason kids don’t tell adults when they are cyberbullied.*This information is a composite from several websites:

http://www.dosomething.org/tipsandtools/11-facts-about-school-bullying

http://www.makebeatsnotbeatdowns.org/facts_new.html
http://www.crisistextline.org/11-more-facts-about-bullying/
http://www.girlshealth.gov/bullying/
http://www.ncpc.org/topics/bullying
http://teenadvice.about.com/od/violencebullying/a/girlbullies.htm
http://www.eduguide.org/article/girls-who-bully-what-when-where-why-and-how

page2image24600 page2image24760

Different Types of Cyberbullying

  • Flaming. Online fights using electronic messages with angry and vulgar language.
    Example: Joe and Alec’s online exchange got angrier and angrier. Insults were flying. Joe warned Alec to watch his back in school the next day.
  • Harassment. Repeatedly sending nasty, mean, and insulting messages.
    Example: Sara reported to the principal that Kayla was bullying another student. When Sara got home, she had 35 angry messages in her email box. The anonymous cruel messages kept coming — some from complete strangers.
  • Denigration. “Dissing” someone online. Sending or posting gossip or rumors about a person to damage his or her reputation or friendships.
    Example: Some boys created a “We Hate Joe” Web site where they posted jokes,
    cartoons, gossip, and rumors, all dissing Joe.
  • Impersonation. Pretending to be someone else and sending or posting material to get that person in trouble or danger or to damage that person’s reputation or friendships.
    Example: Laura watched closely as Emma logged on to her account and discovered her password. Later, Laura logged on to Emma’s account and sent a hurtful message to Emma’s boyfriend, Adam.
  • Outing. Sharing someone’s secrets or embarrassing information or images online.
    Example: Greg, an obese high school student, was changing in the locker room after gym class. Matt took a picture of him with his cell phone camera. Within seconds, the picture was flying around the phones at school.
  • Trickery. Talking someone into revealing secrets or embarrassing information, then sharing it online. Example: Katie sent a message to Jessica pretending to be her friend and asking lots of questions. Jessica responded, sharing really personal information. Katie forwarded the message to lots of other people with her own comment, “Jessica is a loser.”
  • Exclusion. Intentionally and cruelly excluding someone from an online group.
    Example: Millie tries hard to fit in with a group of girls at school. She recently got on the “outs” with a leader in this group. Now Millie has been blocked from the
    friendship links of all of the girls.
  • Cyberstalking. Repeated, intense harassment and denigration that includes threats or creates significant fear.  Example: When Annie broke up with Sam, he sent her many angry, threatening, pleading messages. He spread nasty rumors about her to her friends and posted a sexually suggestive picture she had given him in a sex-oriented discussion group, along with her email address and cell phone number.

*Source: Adapted from Educator’s Guide to Cyberbullying and Cyberthreats, Nancy Willard, M.S., J.D. 

 

 *

31 days thrive

This is Day 18 of our 31 Days series  T h r i v e . You can find earlier posts here:

Day 1 ::  T H R I V E
Day 2 ::  Changes:: Her Body
Day 3 ::  Social Stresses
Day 4 ::  Coping With Peer Pressure
Day 5 :: Benefit of the Doubt 
Day 6 :: And Then, This Is What He Said
Day 7 :: Self Assessment
Day 8 :: Breaking Bad
Day 9 :: Social Media Manners
Day 10 :: A Few Secrets to Make Her Late to Date
Day 11 :: Setting Meaningful Goals
Day 12 :: A Hundred Little Ways
Day 13 :: What About Boys?
Day 14 :: Helping Her Choose the Right College
Day 15 :: Be Ye Kind
Day 16 :: No Bullies Here
Day 17 :: What’s Really Going On With Our Girls?
Day 18 :: Girls Don’t Bully… Do They?

PS:: Be sure to visit our Pinterest boards, and follow us there. We’ve been cultivating them to be another source of information and inspiration for you! For articles on bullying and bullying awareness, click on and follow our board, No Bullies Here.  For ideas on Activities to Try and Things to Do, click on the links and follow our boards.

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Welcome to T H R I V E , a 31 Days series on empowering your daughter to thrive through her teen years. 

no bullies here

A guest post by parent Mary Ann Toffoletto

Sad to say, but YES, girls DO bully. “Bullying has become a tidal wave of epic proportions. Although bullying was once considered a rite of passage, parents, educators, and community leaders now see bullying as a devastating form of abuse that can have long-term effects on youthful victims, robbing them of self-esteem, isolating them from their peers, causing them to drop out of school, and even prompting health problems and suicide.” (National Crime Prevention Council)

What exactly is BULLYING? Most experts and professionals agree that bullying has the following characteristics:

  • Bullying is repeated (frequent) intentional actions that bring harm to an individual.
  • Bullying involves an imbalance of power between the bully and victim.
  • Bullying is a relationship in which one individual seeks power and control over the life of another.
  • Types of bullying include verbal taunting, threats, stealing, and acts of physical aggression.

Children who are bullied are often singled out because of a perceived difference between them and others, whether because of appearance (size, weight, or clothes), intellect, (Aspergers & Autism Spectrum Disorders) or, increasingly, ethnic or religious affiliation and sexual orientation.

Here are 11 facts regarding bullying for boys and girls from DO SOMETHING.ORG :

  1. Over 3.2 million students are victims of bullying each year.
  2. 1 in 4 teachers see nothing wrong with bullying and will only intervene 4 percent of the time.
  3. Approximately 160,000 teens skip school every day because of bullying.
  4. 1 in 7 students in grades K-12 is either a bully or a victim of bullying.
  5. 56 percent of students have personally witnessed some type of bullying at school.
  6. Over two-thirds of students believe that schools respond poorly to bullying, with a high percentageof students believing that adult help is infrequent and ineffective.
  7. 71 percent of students report incidents of bullying as a problem at their school.
  8. 90 percent of 4th through 8th graders report being victims of bullying.
  9. 1 out 10 students drop out of school because of repeated bullying.
  10. Harassment and bullying have been linked to 75 percent of school-shooting incidents.
  11. Physical bullying increases in elementary school, peaks in middle school and declines in high school.Verbal abuse, on the other hand, remains constant.

But girls bully very differently than boys. When most people picture a “typical” bully, they imagine a boy, or teen boy or a “jock” who is bigger or older than his classmates, who doesn’t do well in school, who fights, and who likes it when others are scared of him. Girls usually face a different type of bully, one who may not look as scary from the outside but who can cause just as much harm.

What’s She Like? The typical girl who bullies is popular, well-liked by adults, does well in school, and can even be friends with the girls she bullies. She doesn’t get into fist fights, although some girls who bully do. Instead, she spreads rumors, gossips, excludes others, shares secrets, and teases girls about their hair, weight, intelligence, and athletic ability. She usually bullies in a group and others join in or pressure her to bully.

Bad Effects! This kind of bullying can have just as serious consequences as physical bullying. It can cause a drop in grades, low self esteem, anxiety, depression, drug use, and poor eating habits in girls who are bullied. This kind of bullying is harder to see. Most of the time adults don’t realize when girls are being bullied in this way.

*This information is a composite from several websites:

http://www.dosomething.org/tipsandtools/11-facts-about-school-bullying
http://www.makebeatsnotbeatdowns.org/facts_new.html
http://www.crisistextline.org/11-more-facts-about-bullying/
http://www.girlshealth.gov/bullying/ http://www.ncpc.org/topics/bullying
http://teenadvice.about.com/od/violencebullying/a/girlbullies.htm
http://www.eduguide.org/article/girls-who-bully-what-when-where-why-and-how https://mrsschlangensscience.wikispaces.com/Statistics,+facts+and+development+of+female+bullying

 

31 days thrive

This is Day 18 of our 31 Days series  T h r i v e . You can find earlier posts here:

Day 1 ::  T H R I V E
Day 2 ::  Changes:: Her Body
Day 3 ::  Social Stresses
Day 4 ::  Coping With Peer Pressure
Day 5 :: Benefit of the Doubt 
Day 6 :: And Then, This Is What He Said
Day 7 :: Self Assessment
Day 8 :: Breaking Bad
Day 9 :: Social Media Manners
Day 10 :: A Few Secrets to Make Her Late to Date
Day 11 :: Setting Meaningful Goals
Day 12 :: A Hundred Little Ways
Day 13 :: What About Boys?
Day 14 :: Helping Her Choose the Right College
Day 15 :: Be Ye Kind
Day 16 :: No Bullies Here
Day 17 :: What’s Really Going On With Our Girls?

PS:: Be sure to visit our Pinterest boards, and follow us there. We’ve been cultivating them to be another source of information and inspiration for you! For articles on bullying and bullying awareness, click on and follow our board, No Bullies Here.  For ideas on Activities to Try and Things to Do, click on the links and follow our boards.

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